Love notes

Sometimes when I'm having a bad day and I'm more inclined to be grumpy than happy and optimistic, I find reminders, like this one. Out of the blue, planted her by sweet little fingers and delightful heart. I find little notes like this often, though I never know when or where they will pop up. They ALWAYS make my smile. And yes, I save them. Every. Single. One.

I found this a couple of months ago. I look at it every day. It reminds me that I am loved, and to me that is one of the most powerful feelings in the Universe. I am loved. I am loved. I am loved. {I'm just letting that soak in!}

It's a great thing to know that someone loves you, it's just as wonderful to be able to say that "I love myself". That's not conceited, narcissistic or vain. It's vital to living an authentic life. 

I've been lambasted for who I am, how I am and even what I believe. I am deeply sensitive and emotional. I feel, perceive and intuit easily. At times, this has felt like a curse, but I know now, that it is not. I do cry at the drop of a hat, when I am pissed off or I feel that emotions so deeply that this is the fastest "outlet of release". I cry for the pain of others, but I also cry when I see other people succeed. Truth: I've tried to suppress my emotions because it tends to make other people so damned uncomfortable.......and I can't do that anymore. It's not who I am.

You see, I have a heart, I have a huge, amazing HEART. It not only does it's job with the blood and oxygen, it delivers LOVE, in all forms, straight through my veins. I've thought that if I were to only operate with my mind, things would be a lot easier. But I'd miss the experience of how notes like this one make me feel. I'd miss the joy and laughter of my kids and how it feels when one of them grabs me and hugs me, especially when I didn't ask for one of them to. I'd miss that feeling of deep gratitude I have when I connect with friends who love, support and accept me, unconditionally. I'd miss the sweeping emotions of relief when I completed a difficult goal. Everyday, I'm seeing my sensitivity as a gift. 

I've spent a lot of years suppressing my heart, trying to keep it confined, because let's face it, when emotions begin to bubble and boil, not everyone knows how to handle it (including me, at times). That kind of LOVE is scary, wild and out of control. We fear giving our hearts away to others because..... who knows if we'll ever get them back? 

We shouldn't worry though. What we give away not only comes back, it multiplies. The heart is a muscle and the more we use it, the stronger it gets. The more cardio we put it through, the faster it beats. The same holds true for love and gratitude: the more we love, the more expanded our experiences of love becomes. 

For a long time, I've pushed love away; not just the love of other people, but love for myself too. I've compared myself to others. I've tried to be stronger and tougher, less sensitive, less emotional, less vulnerable. What I realize is that spending time trying to make everything that is ME go away is......exhausting. I've given my heart permission to feel however it needs and wants to feel and so what's here is a wide open, expansive freedom. I'm not here to judge, control or fix anyone (myself included). As one of my favorite authors, Dr. Dain Heer shares, "You can't have gratitude and judgement at the same time. You can either be grateful or have judgement: they don't co-exist. Which would you choose?" Gratitude is what I choose, ALL THE WAY BABY!

So here I am, raising the white flag. I give. I get it. I have a heart. I'm going to cry. I'm going to feel emotions so deeply, they cut me like a knife. Rejection sucks and it will most likely bring me to my knees, but it won't kill me. Finding out some situations just aren't going to work to will make my heart feel like it is being torn into bits and yet, every aspect of destruction lends itself to a new creation. The heart regenerates itself. Love repairs. Blood keeps pumping. Oxygen keeps circulating. Love repairs..........

So I have to wonder....... if I can feel this much pain, then my heart certainly has the capacity to feel even greater joy? And what happens if I just open my heart a little more every day? What experiences are ready to show up when I'm willing to live from this place, letting my heart, not my mind lead me? I have a feeling, it's going to be different, in an amazing ways. I'm ready to find out. Care to join me?